Jasper's Journal: AfterThoughts of Breaking Dawn
by DraftingWhite
Summary: Jaz's secret diary starting from the first day after Bella is a vampire. Rated T for language. R&R, I love them reviews.
1. Chapter 1

Jasper's journal, day 1-

So. Edward's bitch is now one of us. Great. That means she'll be living with us. I pity the cottage that Esme is going to give them; she took such pride in its beauty. Emmet and Rosalie bulldozed marble mansions, a wood house for Edward and Bella will be like a toothpick is for a human. I will enjoy counting the days until it falls.

I don't know what he sees in her, her personality is bland. Maybe it's the challenge of not being able to see her thoughts, what she thinks of him. Whatever it is, the only things I like are her consistent emotional climate and the fact I am no longer the weakest link in the family. The comfort of that thought is stressed though, after my brother took Bella on her first hunting trip this afternoon. She smelled a human in the woods and went after it but by some force, was able to stop and turn around. Damnable self-control.

Oh well, it seems there is nothing I can do about it… at least, not in this moment… but I can wait.


	2. Chapter 2

Jasper's Journal Day 4-

Three days later and they are still infatuated. One would think they would be over that by now. Even though Edward deserves better that a bland newborn, I have to admit, they're offspring is intriguing. Renesme…she grows noticeably every day and I find myself fascinated by her way of communication. She's not even a full vampire and she has a gift. I envy Edward because of her.

And though I respect my brother, I cannot help but feel that he does not think me "civilized" or as civilized as one of our kind can be. As I am the weak link in our family, and have been proven so, I feel distanced from them. Except from Alice. She makes me feel like I belong, like I'm wanted somewhere in the world. That is why I love her, why I cherish her.

She is different from the rest of the females in the family. She doesn't hover like Esme or demand things like Rosalie. Alice just…is, and she's happy doing so. She doesn't require much or demand anything and when I need space, she understands. Oh, Alice, you are more than a friend, you are someone more special to me than you could ever imagine.


	3. Chapter 3

Jasper's Journal Day 7-

Rosalie…Rosalie…Rosalie. That's all that goes through her mind too. It probably bounces around like a pinball of the insides of her head, echoing through the cavernous expanse of nothing between her ears. I'm sorry, that was mean. What I meant was: the dense, shrunken pebble in her head absorbs the thought as soon as it hits it and it disappears altogether. She doesn't know, but there is such a thing as _over thinking._ I _shouldn't_ say that either. I resent admitting to it, but though she is quite vain, she does keep her emotions in check and sometimes, I think she actually sympathizes…surprise surprise.

I am still worried about her reaction to Renesme though. Alice thinks it is fine, but for some reason, despite the conclusions of her emotions, I dislike her being around Renesme. It's just a feeling I get when Rosalie holds her and I do not particularly like it. I cannot name this feeling, it is just there. I think it is the same feeling I get when somebody threatens Alice… I'm not sure… and feeling it for Renesme seems wrong…


	4. Chapter 4

Jasper's Journal Day 8-

I've been doing some thinking, and I figured out why I'm so uncomfortable with Rosalie being around Renesme. Rose has made it no secret that she wished she was human still, that she wants a normal life with a husband and children. That's why she wants Renesme. She envies Bella beyond belief and allows herself to feel it when she thinks I'm not paying attention. She's desperate, and frankly, I wouldn't put it past her to run off with Renesme when Bella's out hunting. I'll be watching her.

The wolf on the other hand, is a completely different story. He imprinted on her and to make matters worse, he calls her Nesse like some sort of mystical monster. Bella wasn't too happy to hear about either… the proof is lying asleep on the couch. That was last week actually, this week he just hovers, concerned until he sees her then overjoyed. He's like a little kid when it comes to Renesme, but according to Edward, his thoughts have been respectful.

Alice thinks they are both fine, she doesn't see anything for either of them. I will stall my hand, for now. One slip is all it takes. One wrong thought, stray emotion, unbidden or otherwise thought of possessiveness could land them right where the Volturi take those who refuse them.


	5. Chapter 5

Jasper's Journal Day 10-

Just because I respect Edward doesn't mean I won't laugh at him. I was on what the humans call the World Wide Web, a very useful invention, I wish they had thought of it sooner, and I saw a picture of my brother. It was probably posted by one of the kids at the high school and I have no idea where they would come across a picture of him like this. Well, it was Edwards head and shoulders on an orange background and over the top of his head were big white block letters that read "the 108 year old virgin". In the picture, the look on my brother's face is that of an ignorant bastard. . . I'll bet my honor on Emmett's involvement. I was barely able to contain myself when I came across this and sooner or later, Edward is going to wonder why I can scarcely keep a straight face around him, especially with our current situation.

Truly, I don't mean to be crude, but there is a pack of squatters on our land. They've been here for a little over a month, so I am not sure why I haven't written about them yet, but they are here for a reason. That reason was human not two weeks ago. They need to do their business and be done with it, rude I know, but they smell like wet dog and its grating on my nerves. Suppose I was to be as tolerant on them as Edward or even Bella; my head would be bitten off. I have spoken with Carlisle on this and he only agreed to hold peace for Bella's sake. He has said nothing more, which leads me to believe that he is most unhappy of the canine occupancy.

As always, Rosalie's thoughts are filled with many shiny, reflective surfaces, and Emmett is perpetually lusting after that lump of vanity; I just don't understand it. Alice says to just leave them alone, so I do. She also says the wolves will solve they're problems and move on. . . I, on the other hand, am not so sure it will work out that way. I do believe Alice is the only thing standing the way of me chasing the wolves off by myself, or even causing rivalry amongst the tree of them. . .


	6. Chapter 6

Jasper's Journal Day 47-

I have… forgotten.

Forgotten to write, forgotten to act human. With all that's happened, I've simply forgotten. For that I apologize.

That is not all I have forgotten, but I will not think it. I do not want Edward to know how much I miss it. My kind was not meant for just the blood of animals. The Volturi's visit reminded me of how much is lacking from this current lifestyle. I go to the forest and gorge myself on the predators of the wild, but it is not nearly enough. It does not satisfy the deeper more primal need that races through me at the start of the chase.

The answer: I am bored here. Now that all this business with the other vampires and the Volturi is over, there is nothing to do. Alice says it will blow over and life will be back to normal…

What if normal isn't good enough for me? What if I'm tired of fighting this war between instinct and logic? I'll say it. I miss human blood. Everything else pales in comparison to the taste, the smell, the beauty- the vampire's ambrosia. I miss the hunt and the chase, the intelligent prey.

I want to taste the sweet syrup so abundant with the mortals. None of them would understand. None of them have bathed in its glory as I have. I want it again. But, I also want her, I want Alice, and I cannot have them both- I wouldn't dream of asking her to leave all of this behind. She is happy, so I must content myself to be as well.

Though it is only a matter of time before she sees something and tells Edward…


	7. Chapter 7

Jasper's Journal Day-?

What is time? Just a measurement created by humans to gauge the rotation of Earth around the sun.

No.

Time is more. So much more than can be imagined. Therefore, I have a viable reason to no longer use the increments set forth by the rotation of our planet. My time will now be gauged by accomplishments such as the first drop of human blood passing my lips. That happened this morning on the other side of this dreary town. It felt so good, but they know. My family knows I am turning back to instinct.

I now realize it is unnatural not to feed on humans. My family wants to be human so badly they try to eat like them. I see now what the Volturi laugh at. Instinct is instinct for a reason and if you do not obey it, you will never truly be who you were born to be.

I need to be me, free from all ties… Alice doesn't want to join me. She thinks living that way is barbaric. It is how we were meant to live though, she cannot deny that. I'm leaving tonight; Alice is the only one who knows. She just had her vision and agreed to not tell Edward until after I leave… I know I will miss her and I know I might regret my decision for some days. But I need to do this for me.


	8. Chapter 8

Jasper's Journal Day-?

My first day out and already I leave a trail of blood. It feels so good… How I denied myself this, I haven't the slightest clue. As I left, Alice wouldn't look at me… The remnants of my heart are still torn. I will miss her indefinitely, but I must do what is right for myself, lest I go insane.

I plan to create a new coven, one where I am the sole ruler, where my thoughts are the only ones that matter. I have already found one worthy candidate; she was ruthless in life as she will be in death when her transformation is over. She will be a decent beta.

We will base ourselves in New York, a city that I loathe, the last place the others will look for me.

This is the start of a glorious new regime. One where black and red dominate and blood is wine.

But first, I must destroy the tracker….


	9. Chapter 9

Jasper's Journal Day-?

England is such a dreary place. Weather-wise I mean. It is a playground of emotions for me and like children, they are so easy to manipulate. Though while I have my fun causing riots and romance scenes in the streets, my beta, who is so aptly named Jade, constantly reminds me of my purpose.

And so, we get to work. We search, scanning the countryside and the cities, looking for a sign of the tracker. Stretching my legs feels good as I run, I had forgotten…

On the second day, we find him standing atop Big Ben, looking out over the city. He knew I was coming, Carlisle had called. Damn him.

After a pitiful attempt to escape me, Jade and I ripped his cold body apart. Power and strength coursed through me as I torn his decrepit flesh. At the very top of Big Ben, we set him alight and left him to burn.

Oh, if only Alice could see me now… I don't know what she would do. She would be shocked, for sure. I lament the hole she left in my life. No matter how hard Jade tries to fill it, she cannot replace Alice…


	10. Chapter 10

Jasper's Journal Day- ?

My coven is growing by one or two every day, and though Jade has been loyal to me, I sire them all myself. Already, my numbers across Europe are in the thirties. Aware as I am about this sort of tactic, I keep them always on the move, spreading out kills and covering our trail so as not to alert the Volturi to our existence.

We will begin moving south in a matter of weeks, my newborns strong with human blood. Of course, I will sire more of us along the way; the Volturi cannot be taken with just mediocre numbers. They need to be overwhelmed, surrounded, then crushed. More strategy to come as there is a newborn that will regain consciousness in the next day, a brilliant tactician by the name of Henry. He will be my strategist.

With every day that passes, I feel the aching loss of my love in my chest, even as I keep the newborns tempered in a contented haze. Sometimes I think of how it might be different if I just stop and go back, or if I had never left in the first place…


End file.
